Board

Danger!

Many of you who walk around the USC campus have been subjected to several dangers when crossing the streets or simply walking on the sidewalk to your next class. It can get pretty hectic out there with all the pedestrians, maintenance vehicles, skateboards, USC trams, golf carts and of course bicycles. The latter is the most common form of transportation for one of the most dangerous creatures the world has ever seen. I'm talking about one of the most feared and hazardous beings on campus: the white sorority girl riding her bike while talking on the phone. These creatures are menaces to society and everything we hold dear. They are more dangerous than any of the whinos and bums around downtown LA. Allow me to explain.

These dangerous creatures are usually slim and delicate in build. They range anywhere from 5 feet to 6 feet when standing upright. The sorority girl can typically be identified by their blonde hair, dark sunglasses and their pink/green/yellow tank tops and the standard white skirt. While their fragile looking stature may make them look harmless, when riding on a bicycle around campus, sorority girls are one of the most feared creatures on the planet. The bikes are usually beach cruisers with wide handlebars and occasionally, a basket in the front of the vehicle. This basket makes the girl-bike combination even more deadly. The bulk of the basket can be used to maim, crush and ram other bikers or pedestrians. These creatures are responsible for hundreds of injuries and property damage each year such as  damaged bikes, cell phones, iPods and knee scrapes, broken necks, broken bones, torn ACL's and in some cases, death.

These menaces tend to travel in herds of 3-16 creatures. One of these deadly creatures can be dangerous enough, but when faced with an army of biking, talking, laughing herds, move the f*ck out of the way and run for dear life. These creatures are so deadly because of their complete disregard to their surroundings or fellow students. Since they're so busy on the phone talking to fellow girlfriends/boyfriends or just about anyone who will listen to their psychobabble, they don't pay attention to traffic, pedestrians or anything else around them. They frequently swerve all over the road, cutting off other bikers, trams, cars, people and wildlife. They make awkward turns, abrupt stops or even hairpin U-turns when they spot other fellow creatures or prey. In my 3 years here at USC, I've seen over a dozen bike crashes between these girls and other bikers and students. They'll bump into anyone or anything they choose and have no regard for their victims' well-being. I've witnessed two crashes where the girl made an abrupt turn and forced other bikers to swerve off the road and crash into each other. The guys fell off their bikes and hit the floor. In other words, they really ate sh*t. The girls on bikes in both cases were completely unaware of the carnage they had caused and failed to stop and render aid. Phones were in full use during both accidents.



This problem needs to be addressed immediately. DPS should stop worrying about breaking up every party around North University Park and capture all these dangerous creatures. These girls are hazards to traffic safety and the lives of everyone around campus. They need to be kept captive and locked away from society so they can't harm any more people and cause accidents. DPS should get off their sh*tty three-wheel shielded scooter things and do something useful. As greek involvement increases every year and more and more sorority girls ride their bikes while talking on the phone, our safety and lives are in danger. People shouldn't use the phone while riding a bike so they can avoid accidents and potential maimings. If this problem continues, the streets of USC won't be safe under any circumstance. Please watch out for this danger and stay alert when traveling around campus. I really hope something is done about this problem because if nothing is done, then may God have mercy on our souls...


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